A Test of Faith

I know we've been quiet, way too quiet for an adoption blog.  If you saw our facebook post, you'd see our big news.  We're pregnant!   It has been a rollercoaster of emotions, both positive and negative.  You have all been so supportive of us, and given us so much love and encouragement, I wanted you all to know exactly whats going on.  This post will be long, and probably unnecessary, but just as it a chance for you to catch up on our lives, it's my chance to use this as a little therapy.  So we'll start at the very beginning...

About a month ago life was as usual.  We were anxiously awaiting our i800-A to be processed for adoption, we were working hard and saving money, and nothing out of the ordinary seemed to be happening.  I had just come home from working a 3 day trip.  It was the most exhausting trip of my life.  It was a great trip, a prime piece of scheduling that my seniority should hold, but I was just so tired the whole time.  I found myself drinking a red-bull a day, and getting nausea from breath mints.  I didn't think much of it.  The next morning I was home and got a notification on my phone that my cycle was a week late.  We've been struggling with infertility for so long, this is a pretty normal occurrence.  A week lake, a week early, whatever.  We've been told by doctors we would never be pregnant without some type of fertility assistance.  Just to be safe, I pulled out an old pregnancy test from under the sink.  This sucker was strait from china, at least 2 years old, and more than a little sketchy.  I had taken dozens of them in the past.  For the first time every, there was  faint pink line.  I went strait into panic mode.  Poor Cory was in the shower.  I stared at him and all I could get out was "I need help reading this."  Poor guy had no context, and probably thought I had gone temporarily blind.  He took his sweet time in the shower, and walked out to a wave of emotions.  We both stared at it.  I fell into a crying puddle on the floor.  Why now? Why after we worked so hard for our adoption? So many things ran through my head.  In the end, Cory had to go to work, and we decided not to place too much faith in a an old, cheap, pregnancy test. Cory then leave for work, and I'm stuck in the fetal position on the floor wondering whats happening to my life. Everything I had been planning for the last year, and had come to know as my truth, had just been turned upside down.

I eventually pulled myself off the floor, went to Walgreens and bought a legitimate pregnancy test and a chocolate milk, and headed to my sisters.  I had texted her with a simple "I'm having a life crisis, can I come over?"  Little did she know what was about to walk through that door.  I just couldn't be alone.  I was so scared.  I finally had the courage to take that test again, and sure enough in big bold letters PREGNANT.  Everything I thought I knew about my life and my body changed in an instance.  I had come to terms with never being pregnant.  I was no longer bitter at everyones pregnancy announcements.  I was so excited to become a mom this summer, and knew that adoption was the way it was going to happen. How could we feel so strongly about adoption, just to have this happen?  In the the end, poor Cory got the news through a picture message of a positive pregnancy test.

We knew when we signed on with our adoption agency that we agreed to place our adoption on hold if we were to become pregnant.  We didn't really think much about it when we signed the papers.  At that time, we knew it wasn't going to be us that had to deal with it.  So although being pregnant is exciting, we knew it meant a loss of the other child we were waiting for. We both agreed we would tell our adoption agency once we were 12 weeks along.  That should have put it right around when our immigration clearances would be coming back.  I will always feel guilty at how unexcited I was to find out i was pregnant.  Something I had wanted for so long, something so many other women dream of and never get, and here I was, wishing the timing could be anything but now.  We were able to get into the doctor that day.  I was so nervous. They confirmed it though, and we tried to move forward, to get excited about this new life.

The next day, we decided to get out of the house, go look at baby stuff, get excited.  It was a great day.  We looked at all kind of things, and started daydreaming and thinking about what it would be like to have a newborn in our home.  When we came home, we went to check the mail like normal.  Sitting in our mailbox was a letter for The Department of Homeland Security.  Our fingerprinting for our adoption had been fast tracked, we now had an appointment in only 4 days.  This sent my down a spiral all over again.  We were receiving an appointment for fingerprinting after only a week and half. it should  have taken closer to 4 weeks.  Why did our home study take an extra 4 months, but our immigration was being done in half the time?  It felt like a slap in the face.  It was everything I had wanted.  Everything I hoped and dreamed of for the last year.  I finally had the paper in my hand, and it felt like it meant nothing.  All our hard work towards our adoption, all the sacrifice, all the love we already had for this unknown child.  In the span of two days, my entire world was turned upside down again, and I didn't know how to handle it. I never thought I could feel so much grief for a child I had never met, and knew nothing about.  Eventually I picked myself up, and we went to our immigration appointment.

I was so proud of us.  We drove to the appointment, waited in the lines, and waited for them to call us back while keeping ourselves totally composed.  We knew this wasn't for nothing.  Since we were doing this now, it means that when the time did come to pick up our adoption again at least we would just need fingerprint and immigrations updates, not all new clearances.  We were feeling positive, and finally ready to tackle this. That was, until the immigration officer expressed his excitement for us.  The whole office was excited, they said they didn't get to do these very often.  I managed to hold it together until we got to the car.  It's always the same feelings of why did this adoption feel so right, when something like this was just going to happen?

We managed to move on with life.  I spent most of the time sick, but otherwise things returned to normal.  It wasn't until about a week later we got an email from our adoption agency that our Dossier was officially being mailed to Hungary, and they had already been talking about our family.  It stung a little.  It was one of the emails we had been waiting for.  We tried to think past it.  We wanted to wait until the 12 week mark to tell them, just in case something went wrong.  They still had to mail the paperwork to Hungary, and input it into the system.  We figured we had time, and we just weren't ready to tell them yet.  We stashed it aside and thought "just a few more weeks and we'll tell them."  Little did we know, we would never get to wait.  They'd know sooner than we wanted.

Two days after we were told they had been discussing our family, we received another email.  It was a pre-referral for a child.  Essentially, they were seeing if we would be interested, and if we were, once our documents were in country we would be sent an official referral.  This email was the email we had prayed for for over a year now.  It had a real child in it, a child that could be our child.  The one we've prayed for and dreamed of.  I couldn't even open the email.  I called Cory at work, and all he said was "yeah, I got it too."  We decided to open it, and it was full of pictures of this vibrant little girl.  Her name is Jazmin, and she will be 3 at the end of May.  She was perfect.  We had been told the chances of adopting a girl were slim, but it's what we always wanted, and here she was.  She was real and she needed a family.  She had a heart defect, but was at her age level developmentally.  She loved to music and singing, and she also did gymnastics.  She was everything we had dreamed of.

At that point we knew we had to tell our agency, but what about this little girl?  Could we do both? Would they let us do both?  It was such a big decision. We decided to take the weekend to figure it out.  I knew I wanted to come to our agency with a "we're pregnant, and we need to place it on hold" or a "we're pregnant, but we'd like to move forward."  I never thought my life would be faced with a such a hard decision.  How do you decided what is best for your family?  We knew we had a baby coming in December, but could our family also be set to have a 3 year old coming in August?  We had no idea what to do.  I have never felt more lost in my life.  That night, we went to bed, and I just couldn't sleep.  I just laid there, crying.  I decided to get up and go into the living room, but it just felt too big.  I tried the office, and it was just too bright.  I eventually settled in the room that we had already started setting up to be our child's room.  It has a twin sized bed, bedding, and toys.  I had been strategically avoiding this room for weeks now, it was just too hard to look at.  For some reason that night, it gave me so much comfort.  At that time, all I could think to do was turn to prayer.  I had hit what seemed like rock bottom, and I needed help climbing back up.  We had been using under the bed as storage, and it just so happened that there was an old set of scriptures in there.  You know, those old sets you used during seminary in high school.  It's filled with notes, quotes, and overall super beat up.  I was thumbing through them looking for anything.  Any sort of wisdom that could make this all hurt less.  Anything that could help us make this decision.  I eventually stumbled to Luke 1:37 "For with God nothing shall be impossible."  This verse is what is told to Mary when she is told she will bear the son of god, and that her cousin Elisabeth would also conceive a son, despite her old age.  I've read that scripture a million times.  It's even highlighted and underlined in this set of scriptures, but it had never meant more to me than it did now.  I finally found peace, and was able to sleep.  I slept right there in the bed that was set aside for a child, until around 3am, when I finally made it to my own bed.

The next morning Cory had to work early, leaving just around the time i was getting into bed.   I woke up with a text from him saying that he had decided to check in the kids rooms before he left for work, and saw my scriptures laying open there. He read the scripture as me and reached the same decision.  We needed to attempt to bring this girl into our home. We have been learning that faith in God, means faith in his timing. 

We drafted our email, explained everything.  How we felt, how early we were in our pregnancy, what we thought timelines would be like, and we sent it to them.  We knew at this time, that we had made the right decision and it was no longer in our hands.  We felt good about it, and new that no matter what way this came out, we still ended up a with a child.  We expressed to them that we knew any decision they make would be for the child and our families benefit. We sent it out to them, and we waited.  Finally, on Monday afternoon we heard from our Agency.  They Congratulated us on our pregnancy, and assured us they see this kind of thing happen all the time.  The reminded us of their policy, but said they would take it to their committee and talk to our social worker about it.  Our social worker has been awesome.  I immediately shot her an email, and she was quick to respond.  She expressed her excitement for us, and she fully supported us.  She thought the little girl would be perfect for our family, and said she would advocate for us as best as she could. Now I was starting to get excited! Could this really happen? We talked to our agency again, and they said we should have an answer by Thursday.  We waited, and we waited, and waited.  All of a sudden Friday is here, and still no answer.  We email them, and they let us know that they've all met and discussed, but they've decided to take it to the Childrens Ministry of Hungary, and get their take on it.

Each country you adopt from has a different set of laws and regulation that pertain to the adoption of children.  Hungary has a very strict rule, that the child must be the youngest child at time of adoption.  They are very strict on birth order, as studies show that children thrive best when their current birth order is respected.  We didn't think much of it.  We'd bring her home in August, and have a baby in December.  Sure, it's not a ton of time, but we felt confident that it wouldn't be a problem.  We knew it would be hard, but we knew even more that it would be worth it.  However, once we heard that they had got the country involved, we felt an overwhelming sense of dread.  Things were starting to feel impossible.  We knew it wasn't in our hands, and what was going to happen, is what was supposed to happen.  We knew we had made the decision we felt we needed to, and God had a bigger plan for us.  We knew the correct plan for our family would be delivered to us.

I am so grateful that we had plans to visit my best friend that weekend.  We had planned it even before we knew we were pregnant.  We thought it would be our last trip to see Marissa and Cody before our adoption went through, so we were even staying a day longer than usual.  I left for the trip feeling like if they said no to our adoption it would destroy me, and I came home feeling very understating that what was going to happen would happen, and there were positives for both.  Spending the weekend with the two of them and their 6 month old, Oliver, was amazing.  We spent a lot of time just being together.  Getting to spend it with their perfect baby, made me more excited to get to do things with our future baby.  Marissa and I took Oliver swimming for his first time.  It was the most adorable thing in the world.  Getting to be there for one of his first meant so much to me, and it reminded me that we soon would get to do all these first.  It wasn't how we had imagined our family would start, but we were still starting a family.  I can't explain why, but after our weekend with them I felt ready for their answer.  No matter what the outcome was.

Fast forward to the next Wednesday, and we finally had our answer.  Because of the laws on birth order in Hungary, they would not allow us to bring Jazmin home.  We expected it to come, but it was still like a punch to the gut.  We knew that at this time, there was nothing else we could do.  Our adoption journey was officially on a hold. I sobbed as we signed the official paperwork. We know in our hearts that adoption is still the correct path for our family, our timing just must have been a little off.  We have not given up on our adoption. We have some great people in our corner fighting for us.  Our social worker here in Arizona has made sure we're eligible to adopt any child in the U.S., and are eligible for the foster system.  Our adoption agency has agreed to hold our funds for 2 years.  We may not be able to get back into the Hungary program because of their birth order laws, but we know there are so many other countries out there.  We are already considering Bulgaria and India. Our currently plan is to re-address our adoption in exactly one year from today.

This has been the hardest thing we have ever done.  In the span of a month we have been overjoyed, terrified, grief stricken, and excited.  We've had to make decisions, and receive answers we never thought we would have to. This entire thing has been an incredible test of our faith.  Our entire life plan has made a 360 degree turn, and we're still trying to adjust from that. I've asked had to ask "why now?" about a million times during this process.  We are so excited to be having a baby, but are still mourning the loss of our other child that we felt was ours too.  I've never had a miscarriage, but I can imagine it feels a lot like this.  Losing someone you hadn't known yet, but already had such big hopes and dreams for, and so much love for.  We know our adoption journey isn't over with this, it's just taking a little detour.  When i was telling a family member about everything, they said something that really stuck with me.  She said "If you already would have had a baby, would you ever had pursued adoption?"  I had to really think about it, and honestly said "probably not."  She replied, "Then maybe this is gods way of making sure you bring home your child that's out there, your timing is just a little off."  I don't know why, but I haven't been able to shake that.  I know we will adopt.  We probably never would have considered it if  we already had a biological child.  Now that our hearts have been given to adoption, we can never get them back.  We don't know what are next step will be.  It may  be picking up our international adoption, it may be a domestic adoption, or it may be the foster system.  We just know that our foundation is in place to bring home ALL our children, it just might take a little longer than we expected.

Application Received!

Got one of the best text messages ever earlier this week:

USCIS has received our application!! They also managed to mark it as received in only 1 week instead of of the estimated 2 weeks.  Next we wait for our letter with our biometric fingerprint appointments. That usually takes 4 weeks from this point to make it to us.  Then a few weeks following to actually attend the appointment. Maybe we can keep this trend of being a week ahead.

They're all such small steps, but i'm learning to celebrate every single little one.  Please make the next 4-6 weeks breeze by, and please let our referral for a child come quickly after!

Fedex is my new best friend!

I can't explain it, but for some reason 2018 has been the fasted, and the slowest moving year ever.  February was the longest month of my life, followed by march that I think was only one week long.  We still still feel like we spend most of our days in flux.  Trying not to make too many permanent plans for later in the year and being cautious about getting our hopes up and setting time lines, and wanting to make every plan and buy everything that we could for our future family.

This past week, we finally got the news we have been waiting for.  The Pinal county courts have approved our home study! We have spent months waiting for that little stamp on a piece of paper from a judge.  No kidding, it's just a stamp that said "Juvenile courts." We've had a completed home study since January, but now we have a home study that we can actually do something with!  The state has approved us to be adoptive parent's.  Our chance of finding our family will now be put in the hands of the Department of Homeland Security, and the children ministry of Hungary.

On Wednesday we drove into Phoenix to meet with our social worker and pick up our official notarized copies. She told us that the courts actually kicked back our home study twice before they even reviewed it.  She has been so great to work with, and even she didn't understands why every government agency has been against us in getting this finished.  From there, the first thing we did was google "Fedex" and went strait to send copies to to our placement agency so they can send them to be translated, and another copy to USCIS with our I-800a application to get that approval.

In typical google fashion it took us to the most random Fedex ever.  It was actually attached to the airport.  You drove all thew ay around to the shipping side of the airport, and were convinced we were in the wrong place. we timidly walked in, expected to be yelled at by someone official (it shared the same building with boarder patrol, it seemed so official.) only to find the nicest lady ever, and a mostly normal looking Fedex store.  We got everything packaged up, used the Delta shipping discount, and they were both overnighted.  It was the perfect location, because it saved us the travel time from a normal Fedex store to the airport, meaning we were able o overnight for even cheaper! I've never been more excited to hold sealed envelopes.

Both of our packages have already been received.  All of our documents should be getting scanned and sent to Hungary today to be translated, and we're waiting USCIS to generate our fingerprint appointments (for the 3rd time).  We are realistically 6 weeks away from being able to accept a referral for our child or children! We know there is no guarantee of when one will come, but just knowing we're ready for it when the time is right is a huge relief!

A Taste of Hungary

 One of my favorite things about living in the phoenix area, is there is so much to do.  It is a huge city compared to Salt Lake City, where we moved from almost two years ago.  For example, as of 2016 there are 193,744 people living in Salt Lake City.  Living there it always seemed like a decent number, we had no complaints. However, as of 2016 the city of Phoenix had an estimated 1,615,017 people living in it. The biggest perk of that is how many different organizations, churches, events, and concerts we get within just an hour or less of us.

As we impatiently patiently wait for our paperwork to make it through the government systems, we're trying to learn as much as we can about our future child's heritage, culture, and history.   Our hope is that we can keep the spirit of where they came from alive, and that they can always have a connection to where they came from.  Our adoption agency encouraged us to seek out people who are Hungarian, or have a connection to the culture.  My first thought was, "where am I going to meet people from a tiny Eastern European country in the middle of the desert?"  To my surprise, I stumbled on the First Hungarian Reformed Church in Phoenix.  I was blown away.  Not only are there plenty of people, I also could barely understand anything on their website as a lot of it is in Hungarian.  Even luckier for us, the hold multiple family events throughout the year. I noticed that they had a festival in a couple weeks, so we rearranged our schedules and were able to attend this past Saturday.

Cory enjoying the stuffed cabbage

We showed up around 1:00pm to the Taste of Hungary Fundraising Festival, and had no idea what to expect.  The first thing that struck us was how many people were there! That little side street was packed. We drove up and down a few times trying to find parking, but all we can could think about was good everything smelled. Seriously, the smell was coming through our air conditioning vents.  It was the best thing I have smelled in my life.  Once we were in, everyone was so nice and welcoming.  The thing that struck us the most was how many people were speaking Hungarian (or Magyar as they call it)!  This was our first time really hearing the language outside of the little phrases on our apps.  It is definitely the most confusing thing I've ever heard.  I have very little hope for understanding anything in two months we are living in Hungary.  We did buy a Hungarian phrase book and dictionary while there from Magyar Marketing, and Cory hasn't put it down since.  I'm lucky to have him.  He's already starting to memorize phrases while I'm stuck over here on just knowing the word egy (it the number 1). The wonderful lady with Magyar Market was so happy to talk to us about how excited we were to travel there.  Everyone was so nice, welcoming, and put up with us even though we looked incredibly confused most of the time.

I sadly didn't get to eat any bread, but I did get a pickle!

Those are full of goulash and soup. 

Now, the most important part was the food.  I can't believe we didn't take more pictures!  It was like I had died and gone to heaven with all the food we ate.  They had different types of goulash, cabbage rolls, different sausages, fisherman's soup, pastries, and i'm sure more things we didn't even notice. I had a bean and pork goulash that I was supposed to share with Cory, but pretty much consumed on my own that was a dream.  The cabbage rolls and sausage were battling it out for first place though. I don't know what spices they use, but they were good!I think I could have stayed and eaten all day.  Each time we were able to order food, eat it, and watch different types of entertainment.  They had singers, musicians, and dancers up on the stage. Though most of the time were listening for adults and children speaking Hungarian.  I think we could have sat and listened to the kids all day, even though we had no idea what they were saying. 

It was such an awesome experience.  If you ever find yourself in the Phoenix area when one of their events are taking place, I highly suggest you go! Better yet, do your own google search and find out what cultures and religions are in your own town.  I bet they have delicious food too.  We left feeling so excited to bring home our child, and share with them their culture.  We hope to be in attendance to to every Taste of Hungary festival from now until the end of time!

I Get By WIth A Little Help From My Friends.

Guys, February was rough.  Both Cory and I spend February in what seemed like a deep fog.  We ended January with the promise of a finished home study, only to find out about a week later that we were looking at mid march at the earliest to have it finished.  We were supposed to finished in November! This news sent me on a quick downward spiral.  A few days after that, out of no fault to any of them, I had four different Facebook friends announce their pregnancies on the same day.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time in my life I didn't want to leave my own house.  I just wanted to sit there, with my cat, and cry.  The combination of the two things combined did something to me that I never expected to happen.  I actually felt depressed.

It is no ones fault, and I am happy for each of our friends that are getting to welcome new little ones into their home.  I think that was just the tipping point.  So much doubt started going through my head.  Are we doing the right thing? Should we have taken more chances with infertility care? Was this all a big mistake? I just kept spiraling further and further.  It brought me to a fact that I'm still struggling with today.  I am so excited for this adoption to take place, and i want my family so badly, but how do I deal with the fact that for my family to begin, someone else's has to end?

When we were doing our adoption training, one thing really stuck out to me.  When learning about grieving and loss, it talked about how all adoptions start with loss on all ends.  A birth mother losing their child, and child losing their birth family, and the loss of an adoptive family losing the chance of a biological child.  It tried to teach that because adoptions are often times born from loss, they can become something even more special.  I've been feeling this weight so heavy lately. I know somewhere out there a birth mother has or is making the ultimate sacrifice for their child and our family.  I'm just trying to learn how to not feel guilty about it.

As February moved on, it dragged.  We were teased later in the month that our home study was finished and we could finally pick it up.  We were so excited! I called our social worker the next day, only to find out that she jumped the gun and we still have to wait till hopefully mid march to have it in our hands and move on to the next step.  The world came crashing down all over again. 

Our Disneyland Annual Passes expired at the end of February, and that was not helping me my mood either! Thankfully we had made plans with friends to go one last time, our last time going without our children. The last time before everything changed.  The week leading up to it I found myself wanting to just sit at home and be sad. I didn't even have to desire to go to Disneyland.  That is an entirely new emotion for me.  It's my second home, my retreat, yet for some reason it seemed like so much work. I didn't feel emotionally capable of going.  I was so worried that I just wouldn't be able to handle seeing all the happy families on their Disney Vacations. None the less, you never pass up a Disney trip (especially one that's been paid for), and I'm sure glad I didn't!

I don't think I'll ever be able to thank our friends enough for that trip.  It was seriously the perfect trip.  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  It was so needed, and so appreciated.  I don't know if anyone knew how much we were struggling, but thanks to everyone's support I think we'll be ok. We were able to let lose, have fun, and actually talk about our adoption in a fun light again.  It made me hopeful of the day we can bring our kids to this place we love so much, and hopefully with the people that we love so much.



At one point we were walking around, and I don't even remember what we were doing or what we were talking about.  Without hesitating someone mentioned something about us coming back with our kids with their "Uncle Greg, Uncle Jason, and Uncle Ben."  I couldn't even tell you the context, and it's something no one else probably remembers, but it seriously meant so much to me. It made me hopeful and excited once again.  The fact that these people are excited right a long side with us, and are already accepting us as a family made my heart soar.  As it always is, it turned out to be the little moments that meant the most.  I didn't once look at another family and feel jealous or jaded (a common feeling for me lately).  I just felt happy for being in the place I love with people I love.

Days are still hard, but we've come home from our trip excited again.  We talk about the adoption and we daydream about what it will be like when we finally get to see the first pictures of our little one, something we haven't done in a while.  I'm back to excessively researching and constantly searching #internationaladoption on Instagram.  I'm once again excited for that day in mid march when we can close this portion of our adoption, and start the next. I'm dreaming of dropping our I-800A application in the mailbox, and dreaming even more of our final clearance and then the words "we have a match for you."

One step forward, three steps back.

It's amazing to think that we are already a month into 2018.  It has been a whirlwind of a month in the Gifford home.  We started this year with the mantra of "everything happens for a reason" and have been determined to stick with it, even though my patience is thin.  

All in all, we've already had quite the year.  We started January off with a trip to see our family in Utah, which ended with a fundraiser at Pizza Pie Café in Layton.  We can not thank everyone enough for all the support you gave us that night!  As we walked into the building at 5:30pm, I told Cory how afraid I was the no one was going to show up.  As luck would have it, people had already beaten us there!  There were so many people who showed up that night, later in the week, or just reached out to us letting us know they wished they could be there. So many took time out of their busy lives to come see us and tell us you're behind us. People we hadn't seen in years took the time out of their day, and it means so much to us. 

We sadly didn't remember to take picture till the end of the night, so this doesn't even represent 1/4 of the people that were there! 

The following week we were able to do a fundraiser at our local Someburro's here in Queen Creek, AZ.  As worried as I was about the Utah fundraiser, this one I was sure no one would attend.  We're still new here and feel like we know no one.  Once again I was amazed at the friends, family, and co-workers that showed up just to show us their support.  Just as the other one, people we hadn't seen in years were there to have a burrito and help us start our family.

Between the two fundraisers, we were able to raise enough to cover the last part we needed of our next set of fees.  I know I've said thank you a million times, but truly, thank you. We appreciate and need your support more than I think anyone who hasn't done this can understand. This has been a harder and lonelier process than we every could have imagined.  Our lives are in the hands of unseen faces.  We're waiting for people we've never met to decide if we're fit parents, to decided if we're worthy, and just take the time to put a stamp on a piece of paper.

We were told we would have a finished home study by the end of November, and here we are, February 12th with still no home study.  We finally were told it was finished in mid January, only to find out we were missing a few documents.  Since I had paid taxes in California in 2010 (My one semester doing the Disney College Program) and Georgia taxes in 2014 (2 months living in an airport Marriott for Delta training) we have to go back and submit child abuse clearances for those two states.  Each of those can take up to 6 weeks.  From there, we still need our national immigration clearance which takes between 4-8 weeks, but an average of six.  Our hope of being all finished with our adoption by the end of this year seems further and further away.  It has been heartbreaking.

Everyday we just remind ourselves "everything happens for a reason."  We are still so far away from meeting our financial goals, and currently don't even have enough money to finish the adoption.  As painful as each day without change is, it gives us more time to save and prepare for the child or children coming into our home.  We often feel out of control and in a life that just refuses to move with us.  What a test of patience this is becoming, and I feel like we haven't even gotten to the hard parts.  Some day's I feel like The Little Engine that Could; "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.... not lose my patents and beat up government agencies." At least I think that's how the story goes, I'm just paraphrasing here.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

Every day we get closer to be done, and every day is a little battle in patience.  Right now, nothing much has changed since our last update.  We are still waiting for our home study to be finished.  Last week we were told it should be done early this week, but here we still are, waiting.  We started our adoption journey this July, and still being stuck on the beginning steps has been harder than we expected.  

As terrible as it’s been, I think the lesson of patience is a good one for us.  We’ve been known to open all of our Christmas presents days before Christmas, just because we (mostly me) can’t wait!  Thankful our placement agency has been wonderful in working with us during the delay.  They just reached out to us, and offered to send all of our documents for translating in Hungary before we have our official government approval!  The traditional route is to get your home study completed and approved, get your i800a (national approval to bring home a foreign child) which takes 6-8 weeks, and then your documents all get sent in for translation which usually takes about a month. If we are able to have our translating done before our official government approval, this saves us at least a month! On top of that, if our documents are into the children’s ministry and translated, we could cold be tentatively matched.  We can’t formally accept any referrals or travel until we have our i800a approval, but it gets us one step closer!

The down side is, we now will have to pay our home study acceptance fee and our translation fee all at once.  It’s around $2,000 more than we were expecting to pay at one time.  However, this is where the thank you’s are in order.  We can not thank everyone enough for the help in our fundraisers.  Both our You Caring and Lularoe fundraisers have been more helpful than you can ever imagine!

We have a long way to go, and are excited to announce we have two more fundraisers coming up!

For all of our friends and family in Utah, The Pizza Pie Cafe in Layton will be hosting a fundersaiser for us January 8th-11th.  For everyone that comes in for dinner and mentions our names, they will give us 25% of the purchases.  Cory and I will be hanging out there all night on Tuesday the 9th, and hope to see everyone that we’ve missed so dearly. They also have all you can eat pizza, and gluten free pizza. It’s a win-win!

For anyone in Arizona, on January 17th one of my favorite places in the world, Someburro’s in Queen Creek will be giving us 20% of all profits for anyone that brings in our flyer or mentions are names. Come join us for my favorite taco’s in the world, all while supporting our family! 

In addition, we do now have a profile set up through Adopt Together.  This is allows people and companies to donate money to a 501(c)(3) charity.  This means that it is fully tax deductible.  We see a little less of the proceeds, but if you know any business looking for tax deductions come tax season, send them our way!

I’ll have more information on our two restuarant fundraisers after Christmas. I once again want to thank everyone for the best Christmas gift you’ve already given, the love and support in starting our family!!

Last Man Standing

This week one of the most wonderful things in the world happened. My best friend, sister in the battle of infertility, and creator of the blog Utahn Gone Texan gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the entire world! He is their perfect little rainbow baby, and is already so loved over here, even though we haven't met him.

Oliver Bryon Myers will be a force to be reckoned with.  I have no doubt in my mind that Marissa and Cody will be the perfect parents.  I am so excited to see the amazing things that this family will do together.  Don't worry, I'm already planning his first trip to Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I'm pretty sure he'll be a Hufflepuff, just like his Aunt Leah.  

Even more I wanted to share this not because I'm beaming just as much as the proud parents, but if you've been brought here because of you struggle with infertility, I highly suggest you take a look at Marissa's blog.  Cody and Marissa are two of the strongest people I know.  After two ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery, and struggling to get pregnant again, I've watched them come out the other side humbled, smarter, and so strong together. Their story is one of determination and love, and I can only see even more adventures and exciting things coming from their family and Marissa's blog!

With the birth of Oliver, came the realization for me that I'm what I like to call "The last man standing."  Out of my female friends that I talk to on a weekly basis, I'm the last one that isn't a mom.  When I first realized it, it was a little hard.  A lot of times I feel like it's my fault.  I knew about my possible infertility struggles since I was 18 and was diagnosed with celiac disease.  I've spent most of my time covering up my fear with "I never want kid."  Even for the first couple years of our marriage I was adamant that kids probably weren't for me.  As I got older, and Cory was ready to be a dad, my story changed to "I'm not ready, next year." Sometimes I wonder if we would have started infertility care sooner, or I would have been less guarded about really wanted to have a family, would be here today?  Life is full of what if's, and some days it's hard not to dwell on them.   Honestly, I think yes.  I can in no way regret so many of the adventures Cory and I have been able to embark on together.  It's hard to live with the misplaced guilt a lot of days, but I truly believe we are doing what we are meant to do.  This is the way our family is meant to start.  This is gods plan for us.  I just have to remember that in hopefully less than a year, baby Oliver will gain a very best friend!

For now, we focus on remembering that there is joy in our wait.  We're in a period of waiting on translators, government agencies, and social workers.  Things are currently out of our hands.  So we will enjoy all of our friends perfect babies, and drool over the pictures of Oliver's fat rolls.  Bring me your babies and children and let me love them forever! I'm already ready to force them to be Lil' Giff's best friend.

Treat Yo Self!

Last week was October 13th, so we all know what that means. It's time to...

If you aren't familiar with the comedic masterpiece that is Parks and Rec, there is no time like the present.  Sit on the couch and binge away.  Then next year, you too can treat yo self.

In honor of the beloved holiday, we decided to treat ourselves by completing our finally home study visit!  We are officially done with things that we have to do for our home study.  All we are doing now is waiting for our social worker to finish writing it, and then we are in the dossier and government clearance phase.

This visit was nice and simple, a whole lot less stressful than the last!  Since our home inspection had been completed the visit before, this was just to talk and interview us, I was able to clean to house in my usually way.  Stuff everything behind a closed door somewhere, and make sure the 10 square feet where we were actually sitting in looks spotless.  We were first interviewed together, and then we each had individual interviews, and then we had another interview together.  The entire visit took almost 4 hours, but everything went smoothly.

When I would read things about home study processes, everyone warned that you'd be putting everything on the table.  They weren't kidding.  Before this interview, I thought we had escaped talking about obscure and past stuff, but I was wrong.  If you are related to us, have no fear, you are probably in our home study somewhere.  We had to go through everything from mental health issues, to drug and alcohol consumption, to people we love that aren't related, and those who will be in contact with our child.  All of these things had to be listed all the way back into our aunts, uncles and cousins.  If you ever decide to do a home study, and you come from a big family like we do, start taking notes now! We also had to individually talk about our experiences growing up.  How our parents disciplined us, celebrated us, and taught us.  We had to go over how our views align differently from our parents, and what we want to do differently with our children.  Nothing is harder than trying to explain to someone how you're going to raise and parent your children, when you feel like you know absolutely nothing about being a parent and have never done anything like it before. Though I'm sure all knew parents feel this way!

Believe it or not, one of the hardest questions we were asked was "What do you love about your partner."  It should be simple questions, but we both just stumbled a little.  Cory and I have been together over 8 years, and usually when asked I just say "everything" or if I'm feeling sassy "he pays my bills" but that wouldn't cut it in this case. We tell each other we love each other all the time, and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but having to pick out individual things catches you off guard.  Even harder was having to say these things directly to his face and in front of someone who is essentially a stranger. Once you're out of the wedding and honeymoon stage, life moves on.  You still love each other, but gone are the days of writing vows and explaining to all your friends why your partner is the best person in the world.  It was nice to have to take that time to stop and remember all the things we really do love about each other, for better or for worse.  Above all, I love that I married my best friend.  There are very few people I can be 100% myself with, and he accepts my weird off key singing, excessive number of high kicks, and love of puns.  So I challenge all of you who are married, or in relationships new or old, to force you and your partner to tell each other how much you love them. Even if it means tying them to a chair until they talk.  Not that it's what we had to do or anything.

We are in the finally few months of our adoption journey that require us to "do something."  Once our home study is completed, we can submit for our I-800a which is "application for determined suitability to adopt a child from an international country" which can take a couple months for the government agency to complete.  In the meantime we'll be working on our dossier.  Our dossier includes everything about us.  It's our home study, our reference letters, our income, everything.  Once we have approval through our 1-800a our dossier gets sent to Hungary, translated, and approved.  From there we just have to wait to be matched with our sweet child or children!  It's a slow process, but getting closer and closer everyday.  We can't wait.

When Social Workers Come Calling.

This week has been stressful and irritating, but filled with a huge milestone in our adoption journey!  This week we had our home inspection visit as part of a home study.  A big part of the home inspection is baby proofing your house for a baby that probably wont be there in a year and will probably come as a 4 year old. Here is a list of some typical things we were told would be checked in a home inspection:

• Working smoke detectors on every floor and near child's room
• Covered kitchen trash.
• Evacuation floor plan and emergency contacts visible. 
• Covered outlets
• Medications and vitamins in locked cabinets.
• All cleaning products in locked cabinets, or placed at least 5 feet up
• All soaps, lotions, and shampoos over 5 ounces must be locked up, or placed at least 5 feet up. 
• First aid kit and fire extinguisher easily available
• House clean and free of mold or harmful bacteria. 
• All blind cords and cables wrapped and hanging no more than one foot. 

This is just a small sampling.  It's pretty safe to say that I've been a nervous wreck since the date was set.  We know it was coming, but it didn't get real until we had the date on the calendar.  Lucky for us we live in a newer one story home and don't have a pool. That took out a lot of the others things we would have had to stress about.  I have to give a huge thank you to my mom and sister.  Not only did they help me obsessively decorate (yeah, probably not the best time to do that.) They spent so much of their own time cleaning and making sure my house was safe. I couldn't have done it without them.  

The only other time our home has been this clean, is when we first moved in and it had no furniture in it. 

The day finally came for her to come.  I was still walking around finding things to clean.  I Vacuumed the floors 3 times and started picking up individual cat hairs off of things. I was ready. The visit went really smoothly.  Our cats were even well behaved enough she thought we only had one.  You should have seen her face when we told here there were actually three running around here! It was mostly interviews and a little home tour.  The entire visit took about 2 hours, and we passed. Here are a few tips to help you if you every decide you want to be insane and complete a home study too. 

1. Know where your family lives, where they work, and what their job title is.
• We didn't expect this one.  It sounds simple, but we truely didn't know the job titles or actually locations for work of some of our siblings.  Facebook to the rescue! 
2. Have a snack prepared.
• Our social worker didn't have any of my purchased with love cookies (even gluten free ones!) but Cory and I did.  We had been such obsessive wrecks, we had essentailly starved ourselves. It was nice to have a little something to fill our nervous stomachs
3. Use quirky decor. 



Who wouldn't obsess over these? They're adorable. 

• Maybe this isn't a real tip, but one of the first things she said when she walked in was "Wow, you guys really like Disney." Followed by a "Me too!!"  She then spent a good 10 minutes obsessing over these Disney are postcards my sister helped me put onto canvases. She was even trying to convince us we should sell them for a fundraiser.  Sure, it's not essential to the process, but it was a fun distraction.
4. Don't obsess over showing them all the work you've put in.  
• Our home tour and walk through took literally 5 minutes of the entire visit.  She walked into each room, asked what we used it for, and moved on to the next.  As much as I wanted to follow behind shouting "shake that bookcase, feel how stable!" and "Just try and find the chemicals in the room!" I didn't do it.  Did i feel a little cheated for all the hard work we did, of course.  In the end was it a relief because we were actually short one blind cord wind and I just hoped she wouldn't notice? Of course it was!
5. Relax
• They want to help put children in good homes. They aren't there to stop you, but to help you.  I was so worried about failing our first one, and in reality we just needed to have a few things around the house done. Most of the meeting was just getting to know us more.  So remember to stay calm, and remember, your social worker is on your team!

Now that it's all over, i'm thinking "this isn't too bad." though I definitely wouldn't want to do this again in the near future! We have one more visit scheduled for next week, and we'll be done with our home study.   Despite all of the stress, our social worker left us with great news.  Our home inspection has passed, and we have been approved to bring 1-2 children, between the ages of 0-7 into our home! Just to know that we have taken another huge step in the process makes all the work worth it.  We're hoping for a child that's more toddler age, but now we've been approved to accept a sibling group.  Some days I can barely imagine bringing one child into our home, but the thought of possibly two has me all kinds of excited.  To get to start our own family, while still keeping another together seems like such a beautiful prospect.  In the end, whomever and however many children we get, I know they will be the ones that are perfect for our family!  

My Maw-Maw

Per usual in the Gifford house, we've had a busy two weeks. We're in one of the quiet moments of our adoption. We're waiting for interviews to be scheduled, governments to respond, and paperwork to be accepted.  Despite the quite time, we've still been busy.

Last weekend was an emotional weekend. My grandmother, or Maw-Maw as we called her, passed away September 5th. She lived an incredibly rich life full of handwork, family, and love.  She was and amazing woman, and overcame incredible opposition in her life. She had more fight in her, than any woman I will have have the privileged of knowing.

Mary Magdalene Couvillon Rabalais at 18

Funerals and passing are always hard, but it was the celebration of her life that I loved the most.  One of my favorite stories, is actually the story of her birth.  She was born in August of 1931, prematurely, and weight only 2.5 pounds. From this moment, she started fighting. In a rural parish in southern Louisiana, there was no hospital, and no medical care.  A cow was brought over from the neighboring farm, and her incubator was a box with bricks that had been warmed from the fire placed around it. From that moment she never stopped. There are so many stories of perseverance and resilience in this woman life, I wish I could share them all!

She married my Paw-Paw in 1951, and they had a love story for the ages.  My Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw ran a hog farm, and were a team in every sense of the word.  They had a growing family of 6 children, were active in their church community, raised animals and crops, and in the end had a farm that ran smoothly and efficiently because they worked together. I don't know anyone who could have raised 5 boys, and still manage to do everything she did!  They had a marriage and partnership so wonderful. that I can only hope to emulate it in my own life. 

A young Paw-Paw and Maw-Maw

Every summer of my life, until I was around 16, was spent on their farm with my mother and our Cajun family. By the time I came around the farm was no longer working, the land was mostly leased, and life was slowing day.  Despite that, my time spend in Avoyelles Parish, Louisiana are the best of my childhood memories.  The loss of such a strong spirit is always hard, and we will probably always feel that little hole in our heart. I was able to go down to Louisiana for the service, and stayed in my Maw-Maw's home.  At first it was a little weird, I could still see her sitting at the kitchen table, or standing by the stove. I can still her saying "Oh Leah" as she said so many time when I was doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing. (Usually it was high kicks in the kitchen, or trying to bring the farm cats inside.) In the end, it was the best source of comfort I ever could have asked for. That home was a source of safety, comfort, and love for me and all of my siblings.  It was a place we would go and just be loved. From my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, and cousins, there was so much love in that home. I am so blessed to grow up with such an amazing sanctuary, and such an amazing family.

I learned so much from this woman and my time spent there.  I will always be grateful for the lessons on hard-work, compassion, teamwork, and love that she taught me.  I could never have asked for a better Maw-Maw. Above all, I can't be more grateful to have such an amazing woman to raise my own mother.  I see so many qualities of my Maw-Maw in my mom.  She has the same drive and compassion.  She has a sense of hard-work and service unlike anyone I've ever known. So thank you Maw-Maw, for not only everything you've done for me, but everything you've done for my mother.  I will never know two more beautiful and strong women in my life.  I hope to one day have children as wonderful as you both have, and to have a home so full of love that you just never want to leave it.

As we are starting our own journey to become parents, I've noticed the effect the amazing women in my life have had.  Become a mother is terrifying, no matter the route you take to become one.  I've started to think about it often.  How can I handle this? How can I learn to put someone else before me at all times? How do I change my entire life? They say its mostly instinct, which I sure hope it is. Lucky for me, I have so many people and places to reach for help.  Not only do I have my Maw-Maw and Mother as amazing examples, There are so many others. My sister, my mother-in-law, and my friends who are already mom's are just some of the people I look up to.  No one is perfect, but from someone on the outside, thank you all for being examples and for being kick-butt women. You have no ideas how much your love, support, encouragement, and advice means to me.