Fedex is my new best friend!

I can't explain it, but for some reason 2018 has been the fasted, and the slowest moving year ever.  February was the longest month of my life, followed by march that I think was only one week long.  We still still feel like we spend most of our days in flux.  Trying not to make too many permanent plans for later in the year and being cautious about getting our hopes up and setting time lines, and wanting to make every plan and buy everything that we could for our future family.

This past week, we finally got the news we have been waiting for.  The Pinal county courts have approved our home study! We have spent months waiting for that little stamp on a piece of paper from a judge.  No kidding, it's just a stamp that said "Juvenile courts." We've had a completed home study since January, but now we have a home study that we can actually do something with!  The state has approved us to be adoptive parent's.  Our chance of finding our family will now be put in the hands of the Department of Homeland Security, and the children ministry of Hungary.

On Wednesday we drove into Phoenix to meet with our social worker and pick up our official notarized copies. She told us that the courts actually kicked back our home study twice before they even reviewed it.  She has been so great to work with, and even she didn't understands why every government agency has been against us in getting this finished.  From there, the first thing we did was google "Fedex" and went strait to send copies to to our placement agency so they can send them to be translated, and another copy to USCIS with our I-800a application to get that approval.

In typical google fashion it took us to the most random Fedex ever.  It was actually attached to the airport.  You drove all thew ay around to the shipping side of the airport, and were convinced we were in the wrong place. we timidly walked in, expected to be yelled at by someone official (it shared the same building with boarder patrol, it seemed so official.) only to find the nicest lady ever, and a mostly normal looking Fedex store.  We got everything packaged up, used the Delta shipping discount, and they were both overnighted.  It was the perfect location, because it saved us the travel time from a normal Fedex store to the airport, meaning we were able o overnight for even cheaper! I've never been more excited to hold sealed envelopes.

Both of our packages have already been received.  All of our documents should be getting scanned and sent to Hungary today to be translated, and we're waiting USCIS to generate our fingerprint appointments (for the 3rd time).  We are realistically 6 weeks away from being able to accept a referral for our child or children! We know there is no guarantee of when one will come, but just knowing we're ready for it when the time is right is a huge relief!

I Get By WIth A Little Help From My Friends.

Guys, February was rough.  Both Cory and I spend February in what seemed like a deep fog.  We ended January with the promise of a finished home study, only to find out about a week later that we were looking at mid march at the earliest to have it finished.  We were supposed to finished in November! This news sent me on a quick downward spiral.  A few days after that, out of no fault to any of them, I had four different Facebook friends announce their pregnancies on the same day.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time in my life I didn't want to leave my own house.  I just wanted to sit there, with my cat, and cry.  The combination of the two things combined did something to me that I never expected to happen.  I actually felt depressed.

It is no ones fault, and I am happy for each of our friends that are getting to welcome new little ones into their home.  I think that was just the tipping point.  So much doubt started going through my head.  Are we doing the right thing? Should we have taken more chances with infertility care? Was this all a big mistake? I just kept spiraling further and further.  It brought me to a fact that I'm still struggling with today.  I am so excited for this adoption to take place, and i want my family so badly, but how do I deal with the fact that for my family to begin, someone else's has to end?

When we were doing our adoption training, one thing really stuck out to me.  When learning about grieving and loss, it talked about how all adoptions start with loss on all ends.  A birth mother losing their child, and child losing their birth family, and the loss of an adoptive family losing the chance of a biological child.  It tried to teach that because adoptions are often times born from loss, they can become something even more special.  I've been feeling this weight so heavy lately. I know somewhere out there a birth mother has or is making the ultimate sacrifice for their child and our family.  I'm just trying to learn how to not feel guilty about it.

As February moved on, it dragged.  We were teased later in the month that our home study was finished and we could finally pick it up.  We were so excited! I called our social worker the next day, only to find out that she jumped the gun and we still have to wait till hopefully mid march to have it in our hands and move on to the next step.  The world came crashing down all over again. 

Our Disneyland Annual Passes expired at the end of February, and that was not helping me my mood either! Thankfully we had made plans with friends to go one last time, our last time going without our children. The last time before everything changed.  The week leading up to it I found myself wanting to just sit at home and be sad. I didn't even have to desire to go to Disneyland.  That is an entirely new emotion for me.  It's my second home, my retreat, yet for some reason it seemed like so much work. I didn't feel emotionally capable of going.  I was so worried that I just wouldn't be able to handle seeing all the happy families on their Disney Vacations. None the less, you never pass up a Disney trip (especially one that's been paid for), and I'm sure glad I didn't!

I don't think I'll ever be able to thank our friends enough for that trip.  It was seriously the perfect trip.  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  It was so needed, and so appreciated.  I don't know if anyone knew how much we were struggling, but thanks to everyone's support I think we'll be ok. We were able to let lose, have fun, and actually talk about our adoption in a fun light again.  It made me hopeful of the day we can bring our kids to this place we love so much, and hopefully with the people that we love so much.



At one point we were walking around, and I don't even remember what we were doing or what we were talking about.  Without hesitating someone mentioned something about us coming back with our kids with their "Uncle Greg, Uncle Jason, and Uncle Ben."  I couldn't even tell you the context, and it's something no one else probably remembers, but it seriously meant so much to me. It made me hopeful and excited once again.  The fact that these people are excited right a long side with us, and are already accepting us as a family made my heart soar.  As it always is, it turned out to be the little moments that meant the most.  I didn't once look at another family and feel jealous or jaded (a common feeling for me lately).  I just felt happy for being in the place I love with people I love.

Days are still hard, but we've come home from our trip excited again.  We talk about the adoption and we daydream about what it will be like when we finally get to see the first pictures of our little one, something we haven't done in a while.  I'm back to excessively researching and constantly searching #internationaladoption on Instagram.  I'm once again excited for that day in mid march when we can close this portion of our adoption, and start the next. I'm dreaming of dropping our I-800A application in the mailbox, and dreaming even more of our final clearance and then the words "we have a match for you."

One step forward, three steps back.

It's amazing to think that we are already a month into 2018.  It has been a whirlwind of a month in the Gifford home.  We started this year with the mantra of "everything happens for a reason" and have been determined to stick with it, even though my patience is thin.  

All in all, we've already had quite the year.  We started January off with a trip to see our family in Utah, which ended with a fundraiser at Pizza Pie Café in Layton.  We can not thank everyone enough for all the support you gave us that night!  As we walked into the building at 5:30pm, I told Cory how afraid I was the no one was going to show up.  As luck would have it, people had already beaten us there!  There were so many people who showed up that night, later in the week, or just reached out to us letting us know they wished they could be there. So many took time out of their busy lives to come see us and tell us you're behind us. People we hadn't seen in years took the time out of their day, and it means so much to us. 

We sadly didn't remember to take picture till the end of the night, so this doesn't even represent 1/4 of the people that were there! 

The following week we were able to do a fundraiser at our local Someburro's here in Queen Creek, AZ.  As worried as I was about the Utah fundraiser, this one I was sure no one would attend.  We're still new here and feel like we know no one.  Once again I was amazed at the friends, family, and co-workers that showed up just to show us their support.  Just as the other one, people we hadn't seen in years were there to have a burrito and help us start our family.

Between the two fundraisers, we were able to raise enough to cover the last part we needed of our next set of fees.  I know I've said thank you a million times, but truly, thank you. We appreciate and need your support more than I think anyone who hasn't done this can understand. This has been a harder and lonelier process than we every could have imagined.  Our lives are in the hands of unseen faces.  We're waiting for people we've never met to decide if we're fit parents, to decided if we're worthy, and just take the time to put a stamp on a piece of paper.

We were told we would have a finished home study by the end of November, and here we are, February 12th with still no home study.  We finally were told it was finished in mid January, only to find out we were missing a few documents.  Since I had paid taxes in California in 2010 (My one semester doing the Disney College Program) and Georgia taxes in 2014 (2 months living in an airport Marriott for Delta training) we have to go back and submit child abuse clearances for those two states.  Each of those can take up to 6 weeks.  From there, we still need our national immigration clearance which takes between 4-8 weeks, but an average of six.  Our hope of being all finished with our adoption by the end of this year seems further and further away.  It has been heartbreaking.

Everyday we just remind ourselves "everything happens for a reason."  We are still so far away from meeting our financial goals, and currently don't even have enough money to finish the adoption.  As painful as each day without change is, it gives us more time to save and prepare for the child or children coming into our home.  We often feel out of control and in a life that just refuses to move with us.  What a test of patience this is becoming, and I feel like we haven't even gotten to the hard parts.  Some day's I feel like The Little Engine that Could; "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.... not lose my patents and beat up government agencies." At least I think that's how the story goes, I'm just paraphrasing here.

Treat Yo Self!

Last week was October 13th, so we all know what that means. It's time to...

If you aren't familiar with the comedic masterpiece that is Parks and Rec, there is no time like the present.  Sit on the couch and binge away.  Then next year, you too can treat yo self.

In honor of the beloved holiday, we decided to treat ourselves by completing our finally home study visit!  We are officially done with things that we have to do for our home study.  All we are doing now is waiting for our social worker to finish writing it, and then we are in the dossier and government clearance phase.

This visit was nice and simple, a whole lot less stressful than the last!  Since our home inspection had been completed the visit before, this was just to talk and interview us, I was able to clean to house in my usually way.  Stuff everything behind a closed door somewhere, and make sure the 10 square feet where we were actually sitting in looks spotless.  We were first interviewed together, and then we each had individual interviews, and then we had another interview together.  The entire visit took almost 4 hours, but everything went smoothly.

When I would read things about home study processes, everyone warned that you'd be putting everything on the table.  They weren't kidding.  Before this interview, I thought we had escaped talking about obscure and past stuff, but I was wrong.  If you are related to us, have no fear, you are probably in our home study somewhere.  We had to go through everything from mental health issues, to drug and alcohol consumption, to people we love that aren't related, and those who will be in contact with our child.  All of these things had to be listed all the way back into our aunts, uncles and cousins.  If you ever decide to do a home study, and you come from a big family like we do, start taking notes now! We also had to individually talk about our experiences growing up.  How our parents disciplined us, celebrated us, and taught us.  We had to go over how our views align differently from our parents, and what we want to do differently with our children.  Nothing is harder than trying to explain to someone how you're going to raise and parent your children, when you feel like you know absolutely nothing about being a parent and have never done anything like it before. Though I'm sure all knew parents feel this way!

Believe it or not, one of the hardest questions we were asked was "What do you love about your partner."  It should be simple questions, but we both just stumbled a little.  Cory and I have been together over 8 years, and usually when asked I just say "everything" or if I'm feeling sassy "he pays my bills" but that wouldn't cut it in this case. We tell each other we love each other all the time, and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but having to pick out individual things catches you off guard.  Even harder was having to say these things directly to his face and in front of someone who is essentially a stranger. Once you're out of the wedding and honeymoon stage, life moves on.  You still love each other, but gone are the days of writing vows and explaining to all your friends why your partner is the best person in the world.  It was nice to have to take that time to stop and remember all the things we really do love about each other, for better or for worse.  Above all, I love that I married my best friend.  There are very few people I can be 100% myself with, and he accepts my weird off key singing, excessive number of high kicks, and love of puns.  So I challenge all of you who are married, or in relationships new or old, to force you and your partner to tell each other how much you love them. Even if it means tying them to a chair until they talk.  Not that it's what we had to do or anything.

We are in the finally few months of our adoption journey that require us to "do something."  Once our home study is completed, we can submit for our I-800a which is "application for determined suitability to adopt a child from an international country" which can take a couple months for the government agency to complete.  In the meantime we'll be working on our dossier.  Our dossier includes everything about us.  It's our home study, our reference letters, our income, everything.  Once we have approval through our 1-800a our dossier gets sent to Hungary, translated, and approved.  From there we just have to wait to be matched with our sweet child or children!  It's a slow process, but getting closer and closer everyday.  We can't wait.