I Get By WIth A Little Help From My Friends.

Guys, February was rough.  Both Cory and I spend February in what seemed like a deep fog.  We ended January with the promise of a finished home study, only to find out about a week later that we were looking at mid march at the earliest to have it finished.  We were supposed to finished in November! This news sent me on a quick downward spiral.  A few days after that, out of no fault to any of them, I had four different Facebook friends announce their pregnancies on the same day.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time in my life I didn't want to leave my own house.  I just wanted to sit there, with my cat, and cry.  The combination of the two things combined did something to me that I never expected to happen.  I actually felt depressed.

It is no ones fault, and I am happy for each of our friends that are getting to welcome new little ones into their home.  I think that was just the tipping point.  So much doubt started going through my head.  Are we doing the right thing? Should we have taken more chances with infertility care? Was this all a big mistake? I just kept spiraling further and further.  It brought me to a fact that I'm still struggling with today.  I am so excited for this adoption to take place, and i want my family so badly, but how do I deal with the fact that for my family to begin, someone else's has to end?

When we were doing our adoption training, one thing really stuck out to me.  When learning about grieving and loss, it talked about how all adoptions start with loss on all ends.  A birth mother losing their child, and child losing their birth family, and the loss of an adoptive family losing the chance of a biological child.  It tried to teach that because adoptions are often times born from loss, they can become something even more special.  I've been feeling this weight so heavy lately. I know somewhere out there a birth mother has or is making the ultimate sacrifice for their child and our family.  I'm just trying to learn how to not feel guilty about it.

As February moved on, it dragged.  We were teased later in the month that our home study was finished and we could finally pick it up.  We were so excited! I called our social worker the next day, only to find out that she jumped the gun and we still have to wait till hopefully mid march to have it in our hands and move on to the next step.  The world came crashing down all over again. 

Our Disneyland Annual Passes expired at the end of February, and that was not helping me my mood either! Thankfully we had made plans with friends to go one last time, our last time going without our children. The last time before everything changed.  The week leading up to it I found myself wanting to just sit at home and be sad. I didn't even have to desire to go to Disneyland.  That is an entirely new emotion for me.  It's my second home, my retreat, yet for some reason it seemed like so much work. I didn't feel emotionally capable of going.  I was so worried that I just wouldn't be able to handle seeing all the happy families on their Disney Vacations. None the less, you never pass up a Disney trip (especially one that's been paid for), and I'm sure glad I didn't!

I don't think I'll ever be able to thank our friends enough for that trip.  It was seriously the perfect trip.  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  It was so needed, and so appreciated.  I don't know if anyone knew how much we were struggling, but thanks to everyone's support I think we'll be ok. We were able to let lose, have fun, and actually talk about our adoption in a fun light again.  It made me hopeful of the day we can bring our kids to this place we love so much, and hopefully with the people that we love so much.



At one point we were walking around, and I don't even remember what we were doing or what we were talking about.  Without hesitating someone mentioned something about us coming back with our kids with their "Uncle Greg, Uncle Jason, and Uncle Ben."  I couldn't even tell you the context, and it's something no one else probably remembers, but it seriously meant so much to me. It made me hopeful and excited once again.  The fact that these people are excited right a long side with us, and are already accepting us as a family made my heart soar.  As it always is, it turned out to be the little moments that meant the most.  I didn't once look at another family and feel jealous or jaded (a common feeling for me lately).  I just felt happy for being in the place I love with people I love.

Days are still hard, but we've come home from our trip excited again.  We talk about the adoption and we daydream about what it will be like when we finally get to see the first pictures of our little one, something we haven't done in a while.  I'm back to excessively researching and constantly searching #internationaladoption on Instagram.  I'm once again excited for that day in mid march when we can close this portion of our adoption, and start the next. I'm dreaming of dropping our I-800A application in the mailbox, and dreaming even more of our final clearance and then the words "we have a match for you."

One step forward, three steps back.

It's amazing to think that we are already a month into 2018.  It has been a whirlwind of a month in the Gifford home.  We started this year with the mantra of "everything happens for a reason" and have been determined to stick with it, even though my patience is thin.  

All in all, we've already had quite the year.  We started January off with a trip to see our family in Utah, which ended with a fundraiser at Pizza Pie Café in Layton.  We can not thank everyone enough for all the support you gave us that night!  As we walked into the building at 5:30pm, I told Cory how afraid I was the no one was going to show up.  As luck would have it, people had already beaten us there!  There were so many people who showed up that night, later in the week, or just reached out to us letting us know they wished they could be there. So many took time out of their busy lives to come see us and tell us you're behind us. People we hadn't seen in years took the time out of their day, and it means so much to us. 

We sadly didn't remember to take picture till the end of the night, so this doesn't even represent 1/4 of the people that were there! 

The following week we were able to do a fundraiser at our local Someburro's here in Queen Creek, AZ.  As worried as I was about the Utah fundraiser, this one I was sure no one would attend.  We're still new here and feel like we know no one.  Once again I was amazed at the friends, family, and co-workers that showed up just to show us their support.  Just as the other one, people we hadn't seen in years were there to have a burrito and help us start our family.

Between the two fundraisers, we were able to raise enough to cover the last part we needed of our next set of fees.  I know I've said thank you a million times, but truly, thank you. We appreciate and need your support more than I think anyone who hasn't done this can understand. This has been a harder and lonelier process than we every could have imagined.  Our lives are in the hands of unseen faces.  We're waiting for people we've never met to decide if we're fit parents, to decided if we're worthy, and just take the time to put a stamp on a piece of paper.

We were told we would have a finished home study by the end of November, and here we are, February 12th with still no home study.  We finally were told it was finished in mid January, only to find out we were missing a few documents.  Since I had paid taxes in California in 2010 (My one semester doing the Disney College Program) and Georgia taxes in 2014 (2 months living in an airport Marriott for Delta training) we have to go back and submit child abuse clearances for those two states.  Each of those can take up to 6 weeks.  From there, we still need our national immigration clearance which takes between 4-8 weeks, but an average of six.  Our hope of being all finished with our adoption by the end of this year seems further and further away.  It has been heartbreaking.

Everyday we just remind ourselves "everything happens for a reason."  We are still so far away from meeting our financial goals, and currently don't even have enough money to finish the adoption.  As painful as each day without change is, it gives us more time to save and prepare for the child or children coming into our home.  We often feel out of control and in a life that just refuses to move with us.  What a test of patience this is becoming, and I feel like we haven't even gotten to the hard parts.  Some day's I feel like The Little Engine that Could; "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.... not lose my patents and beat up government agencies." At least I think that's how the story goes, I'm just paraphrasing here.

Last Man Standing

This week one of the most wonderful things in the world happened. My best friend, sister in the battle of infertility, and creator of the blog Utahn Gone Texan gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the entire world! He is their perfect little rainbow baby, and is already so loved over here, even though we haven't met him.

Oliver Bryon Myers will be a force to be reckoned with.  I have no doubt in my mind that Marissa and Cody will be the perfect parents.  I am so excited to see the amazing things that this family will do together.  Don't worry, I'm already planning his first trip to Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I'm pretty sure he'll be a Hufflepuff, just like his Aunt Leah.  

Even more I wanted to share this not because I'm beaming just as much as the proud parents, but if you've been brought here because of you struggle with infertility, I highly suggest you take a look at Marissa's blog.  Cody and Marissa are two of the strongest people I know.  After two ectopic pregnancies, emergency surgery, and struggling to get pregnant again, I've watched them come out the other side humbled, smarter, and so strong together. Their story is one of determination and love, and I can only see even more adventures and exciting things coming from their family and Marissa's blog!

With the birth of Oliver, came the realization for me that I'm what I like to call "The last man standing."  Out of my female friends that I talk to on a weekly basis, I'm the last one that isn't a mom.  When I first realized it, it was a little hard.  A lot of times I feel like it's my fault.  I knew about my possible infertility struggles since I was 18 and was diagnosed with celiac disease.  I've spent most of my time covering up my fear with "I never want kid."  Even for the first couple years of our marriage I was adamant that kids probably weren't for me.  As I got older, and Cory was ready to be a dad, my story changed to "I'm not ready, next year." Sometimes I wonder if we would have started infertility care sooner, or I would have been less guarded about really wanted to have a family, would be here today?  Life is full of what if's, and some days it's hard not to dwell on them.   Honestly, I think yes.  I can in no way regret so many of the adventures Cory and I have been able to embark on together.  It's hard to live with the misplaced guilt a lot of days, but I truly believe we are doing what we are meant to do.  This is the way our family is meant to start.  This is gods plan for us.  I just have to remember that in hopefully less than a year, baby Oliver will gain a very best friend!

For now, we focus on remembering that there is joy in our wait.  We're in a period of waiting on translators, government agencies, and social workers.  Things are currently out of our hands.  So we will enjoy all of our friends perfect babies, and drool over the pictures of Oliver's fat rolls.  Bring me your babies and children and let me love them forever! I'm already ready to force them to be Lil' Giff's best friend.

Treat Yo Self!

Last week was October 13th, so we all know what that means. It's time to...

If you aren't familiar with the comedic masterpiece that is Parks and Rec, there is no time like the present.  Sit on the couch and binge away.  Then next year, you too can treat yo self.

In honor of the beloved holiday, we decided to treat ourselves by completing our finally home study visit!  We are officially done with things that we have to do for our home study.  All we are doing now is waiting for our social worker to finish writing it, and then we are in the dossier and government clearance phase.

This visit was nice and simple, a whole lot less stressful than the last!  Since our home inspection had been completed the visit before, this was just to talk and interview us, I was able to clean to house in my usually way.  Stuff everything behind a closed door somewhere, and make sure the 10 square feet where we were actually sitting in looks spotless.  We were first interviewed together, and then we each had individual interviews, and then we had another interview together.  The entire visit took almost 4 hours, but everything went smoothly.

When I would read things about home study processes, everyone warned that you'd be putting everything on the table.  They weren't kidding.  Before this interview, I thought we had escaped talking about obscure and past stuff, but I was wrong.  If you are related to us, have no fear, you are probably in our home study somewhere.  We had to go through everything from mental health issues, to drug and alcohol consumption, to people we love that aren't related, and those who will be in contact with our child.  All of these things had to be listed all the way back into our aunts, uncles and cousins.  If you ever decide to do a home study, and you come from a big family like we do, start taking notes now! We also had to individually talk about our experiences growing up.  How our parents disciplined us, celebrated us, and taught us.  We had to go over how our views align differently from our parents, and what we want to do differently with our children.  Nothing is harder than trying to explain to someone how you're going to raise and parent your children, when you feel like you know absolutely nothing about being a parent and have never done anything like it before. Though I'm sure all knew parents feel this way!

Believe it or not, one of the hardest questions we were asked was "What do you love about your partner."  It should be simple questions, but we both just stumbled a little.  Cory and I have been together over 8 years, and usually when asked I just say "everything" or if I'm feeling sassy "he pays my bills" but that wouldn't cut it in this case. We tell each other we love each other all the time, and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me, but having to pick out individual things catches you off guard.  Even harder was having to say these things directly to his face and in front of someone who is essentially a stranger. Once you're out of the wedding and honeymoon stage, life moves on.  You still love each other, but gone are the days of writing vows and explaining to all your friends why your partner is the best person in the world.  It was nice to have to take that time to stop and remember all the things we really do love about each other, for better or for worse.  Above all, I love that I married my best friend.  There are very few people I can be 100% myself with, and he accepts my weird off key singing, excessive number of high kicks, and love of puns.  So I challenge all of you who are married, or in relationships new or old, to force you and your partner to tell each other how much you love them. Even if it means tying them to a chair until they talk.  Not that it's what we had to do or anything.

We are in the finally few months of our adoption journey that require us to "do something."  Once our home study is completed, we can submit for our I-800a which is "application for determined suitability to adopt a child from an international country" which can take a couple months for the government agency to complete.  In the meantime we'll be working on our dossier.  Our dossier includes everything about us.  It's our home study, our reference letters, our income, everything.  Once we have approval through our 1-800a our dossier gets sent to Hungary, translated, and approved.  From there we just have to wait to be matched with our sweet child or children!  It's a slow process, but getting closer and closer everyday.  We can't wait.

When Social Workers Come Calling.

This week has been stressful and irritating, but filled with a huge milestone in our adoption journey!  This week we had our home inspection visit as part of a home study.  A big part of the home inspection is baby proofing your house for a baby that probably wont be there in a year and will probably come as a 4 year old. Here is a list of some typical things we were told would be checked in a home inspection:

• Working smoke detectors on every floor and near child's room
• Covered kitchen trash.
• Evacuation floor plan and emergency contacts visible. 
• Covered outlets
• Medications and vitamins in locked cabinets.
• All cleaning products in locked cabinets, or placed at least 5 feet up
• All soaps, lotions, and shampoos over 5 ounces must be locked up, or placed at least 5 feet up. 
• First aid kit and fire extinguisher easily available
• House clean and free of mold or harmful bacteria. 
• All blind cords and cables wrapped and hanging no more than one foot. 

This is just a small sampling.  It's pretty safe to say that I've been a nervous wreck since the date was set.  We know it was coming, but it didn't get real until we had the date on the calendar.  Lucky for us we live in a newer one story home and don't have a pool. That took out a lot of the others things we would have had to stress about.  I have to give a huge thank you to my mom and sister.  Not only did they help me obsessively decorate (yeah, probably not the best time to do that.) They spent so much of their own time cleaning and making sure my house was safe. I couldn't have done it without them.  

The only other time our home has been this clean, is when we first moved in and it had no furniture in it. 

The day finally came for her to come.  I was still walking around finding things to clean.  I Vacuumed the floors 3 times and started picking up individual cat hairs off of things. I was ready. The visit went really smoothly.  Our cats were even well behaved enough she thought we only had one.  You should have seen her face when we told here there were actually three running around here! It was mostly interviews and a little home tour.  The entire visit took about 2 hours, and we passed. Here are a few tips to help you if you every decide you want to be insane and complete a home study too. 

1. Know where your family lives, where they work, and what their job title is.
• We didn't expect this one.  It sounds simple, but we truely didn't know the job titles or actually locations for work of some of our siblings.  Facebook to the rescue! 
2. Have a snack prepared.
• Our social worker didn't have any of my purchased with love cookies (even gluten free ones!) but Cory and I did.  We had been such obsessive wrecks, we had essentailly starved ourselves. It was nice to have a little something to fill our nervous stomachs
3. Use quirky decor. 



Who wouldn't obsess over these? They're adorable. 

• Maybe this isn't a real tip, but one of the first things she said when she walked in was "Wow, you guys really like Disney." Followed by a "Me too!!"  She then spent a good 10 minutes obsessing over these Disney are postcards my sister helped me put onto canvases. She was even trying to convince us we should sell them for a fundraiser.  Sure, it's not essential to the process, but it was a fun distraction.
4. Don't obsess over showing them all the work you've put in.  
• Our home tour and walk through took literally 5 minutes of the entire visit.  She walked into each room, asked what we used it for, and moved on to the next.  As much as I wanted to follow behind shouting "shake that bookcase, feel how stable!" and "Just try and find the chemicals in the room!" I didn't do it.  Did i feel a little cheated for all the hard work we did, of course.  In the end was it a relief because we were actually short one blind cord wind and I just hoped she wouldn't notice? Of course it was!
5. Relax
• They want to help put children in good homes. They aren't there to stop you, but to help you.  I was so worried about failing our first one, and in reality we just needed to have a few things around the house done. Most of the meeting was just getting to know us more.  So remember to stay calm, and remember, your social worker is on your team!

Now that it's all over, i'm thinking "this isn't too bad." though I definitely wouldn't want to do this again in the near future! We have one more visit scheduled for next week, and we'll be done with our home study.   Despite all of the stress, our social worker left us with great news.  Our home inspection has passed, and we have been approved to bring 1-2 children, between the ages of 0-7 into our home! Just to know that we have taken another huge step in the process makes all the work worth it.  We're hoping for a child that's more toddler age, but now we've been approved to accept a sibling group.  Some days I can barely imagine bringing one child into our home, but the thought of possibly two has me all kinds of excited.  To get to start our own family, while still keeping another together seems like such a beautiful prospect.  In the end, whomever and however many children we get, I know they will be the ones that are perfect for our family!  

My Maw-Maw

Per usual in the Gifford house, we've had a busy two weeks. We're in one of the quiet moments of our adoption. We're waiting for interviews to be scheduled, governments to respond, and paperwork to be accepted.  Despite the quite time, we've still been busy.

Last weekend was an emotional weekend. My grandmother, or Maw-Maw as we called her, passed away September 5th. She lived an incredibly rich life full of handwork, family, and love.  She was and amazing woman, and overcame incredible opposition in her life. She had more fight in her, than any woman I will have have the privileged of knowing.

Mary Magdalene Couvillon Rabalais at 18

Funerals and passing are always hard, but it was the celebration of her life that I loved the most.  One of my favorite stories, is actually the story of her birth.  She was born in August of 1931, prematurely, and weight only 2.5 pounds. From this moment, she started fighting. In a rural parish in southern Louisiana, there was no hospital, and no medical care.  A cow was brought over from the neighboring farm, and her incubator was a box with bricks that had been warmed from the fire placed around it. From that moment she never stopped. There are so many stories of perseverance and resilience in this woman life, I wish I could share them all!

She married my Paw-Paw in 1951, and they had a love story for the ages.  My Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw ran a hog farm, and were a team in every sense of the word.  They had a growing family of 6 children, were active in their church community, raised animals and crops, and in the end had a farm that ran smoothly and efficiently because they worked together. I don't know anyone who could have raised 5 boys, and still manage to do everything she did!  They had a marriage and partnership so wonderful. that I can only hope to emulate it in my own life. 

A young Paw-Paw and Maw-Maw

Every summer of my life, until I was around 16, was spent on their farm with my mother and our Cajun family. By the time I came around the farm was no longer working, the land was mostly leased, and life was slowing day.  Despite that, my time spend in Avoyelles Parish, Louisiana are the best of my childhood memories.  The loss of such a strong spirit is always hard, and we will probably always feel that little hole in our heart. I was able to go down to Louisiana for the service, and stayed in my Maw-Maw's home.  At first it was a little weird, I could still see her sitting at the kitchen table, or standing by the stove. I can still her saying "Oh Leah" as she said so many time when I was doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing. (Usually it was high kicks in the kitchen, or trying to bring the farm cats inside.) In the end, it was the best source of comfort I ever could have asked for. That home was a source of safety, comfort, and love for me and all of my siblings.  It was a place we would go and just be loved. From my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, and cousins, there was so much love in that home. I am so blessed to grow up with such an amazing sanctuary, and such an amazing family.

I learned so much from this woman and my time spent there.  I will always be grateful for the lessons on hard-work, compassion, teamwork, and love that she taught me.  I could never have asked for a better Maw-Maw. Above all, I can't be more grateful to have such an amazing woman to raise my own mother.  I see so many qualities of my Maw-Maw in my mom.  She has the same drive and compassion.  She has a sense of hard-work and service unlike anyone I've ever known. So thank you Maw-Maw, for not only everything you've done for me, but everything you've done for my mother.  I will never know two more beautiful and strong women in my life.  I hope to one day have children as wonderful as you both have, and to have a home so full of love that you just never want to leave it.

As we are starting our own journey to become parents, I've noticed the effect the amazing women in my life have had.  Become a mother is terrifying, no matter the route you take to become one.  I've started to think about it often.  How can I handle this? How can I learn to put someone else before me at all times? How do I change my entire life? They say its mostly instinct, which I sure hope it is. Lucky for me, I have so many people and places to reach for help.  Not only do I have my Maw-Maw and Mother as amazing examples, There are so many others. My sister, my mother-in-law, and my friends who are already mom's are just some of the people I look up to.  No one is perfect, but from someone on the outside, thank you all for being examples and for being kick-butt women. You have no ideas how much your love, support, encouragement, and advice means to me.