Fedex is my new best friend!

I can't explain it, but for some reason 2018 has been the fasted, and the slowest moving year ever.  February was the longest month of my life, followed by march that I think was only one week long.  We still still feel like we spend most of our days in flux.  Trying not to make too many permanent plans for later in the year and being cautious about getting our hopes up and setting time lines, and wanting to make every plan and buy everything that we could for our future family.

This past week, we finally got the news we have been waiting for.  The Pinal county courts have approved our home study! We have spent months waiting for that little stamp on a piece of paper from a judge.  No kidding, it's just a stamp that said "Juvenile courts." We've had a completed home study since January, but now we have a home study that we can actually do something with!  The state has approved us to be adoptive parent's.  Our chance of finding our family will now be put in the hands of the Department of Homeland Security, and the children ministry of Hungary.

On Wednesday we drove into Phoenix to meet with our social worker and pick up our official notarized copies. She told us that the courts actually kicked back our home study twice before they even reviewed it.  She has been so great to work with, and even she didn't understands why every government agency has been against us in getting this finished.  From there, the first thing we did was google "Fedex" and went strait to send copies to to our placement agency so they can send them to be translated, and another copy to USCIS with our I-800a application to get that approval.

In typical google fashion it took us to the most random Fedex ever.  It was actually attached to the airport.  You drove all thew ay around to the shipping side of the airport, and were convinced we were in the wrong place. we timidly walked in, expected to be yelled at by someone official (it shared the same building with boarder patrol, it seemed so official.) only to find the nicest lady ever, and a mostly normal looking Fedex store.  We got everything packaged up, used the Delta shipping discount, and they were both overnighted.  It was the perfect location, because it saved us the travel time from a normal Fedex store to the airport, meaning we were able o overnight for even cheaper! I've never been more excited to hold sealed envelopes.

Both of our packages have already been received.  All of our documents should be getting scanned and sent to Hungary today to be translated, and we're waiting USCIS to generate our fingerprint appointments (for the 3rd time).  We are realistically 6 weeks away from being able to accept a referral for our child or children! We know there is no guarantee of when one will come, but just knowing we're ready for it when the time is right is a huge relief!

A Taste of Hungary

 One of my favorite things about living in the phoenix area, is there is so much to do.  It is a huge city compared to Salt Lake City, where we moved from almost two years ago.  For example, as of 2016 there are 193,744 people living in Salt Lake City.  Living there it always seemed like a decent number, we had no complaints. However, as of 2016 the city of Phoenix had an estimated 1,615,017 people living in it. The biggest perk of that is how many different organizations, churches, events, and concerts we get within just an hour or less of us.

As we impatiently patiently wait for our paperwork to make it through the government systems, we're trying to learn as much as we can about our future child's heritage, culture, and history.   Our hope is that we can keep the spirit of where they came from alive, and that they can always have a connection to where they came from.  Our adoption agency encouraged us to seek out people who are Hungarian, or have a connection to the culture.  My first thought was, "where am I going to meet people from a tiny Eastern European country in the middle of the desert?"  To my surprise, I stumbled on the First Hungarian Reformed Church in Phoenix.  I was blown away.  Not only are there plenty of people, I also could barely understand anything on their website as a lot of it is in Hungarian.  Even luckier for us, the hold multiple family events throughout the year. I noticed that they had a festival in a couple weeks, so we rearranged our schedules and were able to attend this past Saturday.

Cory enjoying the stuffed cabbage

We showed up around 1:00pm to the Taste of Hungary Fundraising Festival, and had no idea what to expect.  The first thing that struck us was how many people were there! That little side street was packed. We drove up and down a few times trying to find parking, but all we can could think about was good everything smelled. Seriously, the smell was coming through our air conditioning vents.  It was the best thing I have smelled in my life.  Once we were in, everyone was so nice and welcoming.  The thing that struck us the most was how many people were speaking Hungarian (or Magyar as they call it)!  This was our first time really hearing the language outside of the little phrases on our apps.  It is definitely the most confusing thing I've ever heard.  I have very little hope for understanding anything in two months we are living in Hungary.  We did buy a Hungarian phrase book and dictionary while there from Magyar Marketing, and Cory hasn't put it down since.  I'm lucky to have him.  He's already starting to memorize phrases while I'm stuck over here on just knowing the word egy (it the number 1). The wonderful lady with Magyar Market was so happy to talk to us about how excited we were to travel there.  Everyone was so nice, welcoming, and put up with us even though we looked incredibly confused most of the time.

I sadly didn't get to eat any bread, but I did get a pickle!

Those are full of goulash and soup. 

Now, the most important part was the food.  I can't believe we didn't take more pictures!  It was like I had died and gone to heaven with all the food we ate.  They had different types of goulash, cabbage rolls, different sausages, fisherman's soup, pastries, and i'm sure more things we didn't even notice. I had a bean and pork goulash that I was supposed to share with Cory, but pretty much consumed on my own that was a dream.  The cabbage rolls and sausage were battling it out for first place though. I don't know what spices they use, but they were good!I think I could have stayed and eaten all day.  Each time we were able to order food, eat it, and watch different types of entertainment.  They had singers, musicians, and dancers up on the stage. Though most of the time were listening for adults and children speaking Hungarian.  I think we could have sat and listened to the kids all day, even though we had no idea what they were saying. 

It was such an awesome experience.  If you ever find yourself in the Phoenix area when one of their events are taking place, I highly suggest you go! Better yet, do your own google search and find out what cultures and religions are in your own town.  I bet they have delicious food too.  We left feeling so excited to bring home our child, and share with them their culture.  We hope to be in attendance to to every Taste of Hungary festival from now until the end of time!

I Get By WIth A Little Help From My Friends.

Guys, February was rough.  Both Cory and I spend February in what seemed like a deep fog.  We ended January with the promise of a finished home study, only to find out about a week later that we were looking at mid march at the earliest to have it finished.  We were supposed to finished in November! This news sent me on a quick downward spiral.  A few days after that, out of no fault to any of them, I had four different Facebook friends announce their pregnancies on the same day.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time in my life I didn't want to leave my own house.  I just wanted to sit there, with my cat, and cry.  The combination of the two things combined did something to me that I never expected to happen.  I actually felt depressed.

It is no ones fault, and I am happy for each of our friends that are getting to welcome new little ones into their home.  I think that was just the tipping point.  So much doubt started going through my head.  Are we doing the right thing? Should we have taken more chances with infertility care? Was this all a big mistake? I just kept spiraling further and further.  It brought me to a fact that I'm still struggling with today.  I am so excited for this adoption to take place, and i want my family so badly, but how do I deal with the fact that for my family to begin, someone else's has to end?

When we were doing our adoption training, one thing really stuck out to me.  When learning about grieving and loss, it talked about how all adoptions start with loss on all ends.  A birth mother losing their child, and child losing their birth family, and the loss of an adoptive family losing the chance of a biological child.  It tried to teach that because adoptions are often times born from loss, they can become something even more special.  I've been feeling this weight so heavy lately. I know somewhere out there a birth mother has or is making the ultimate sacrifice for their child and our family.  I'm just trying to learn how to not feel guilty about it.

As February moved on, it dragged.  We were teased later in the month that our home study was finished and we could finally pick it up.  We were so excited! I called our social worker the next day, only to find out that she jumped the gun and we still have to wait till hopefully mid march to have it in our hands and move on to the next step.  The world came crashing down all over again. 

Our Disneyland Annual Passes expired at the end of February, and that was not helping me my mood either! Thankfully we had made plans with friends to go one last time, our last time going without our children. The last time before everything changed.  The week leading up to it I found myself wanting to just sit at home and be sad. I didn't even have to desire to go to Disneyland.  That is an entirely new emotion for me.  It's my second home, my retreat, yet for some reason it seemed like so much work. I didn't feel emotionally capable of going.  I was so worried that I just wouldn't be able to handle seeing all the happy families on their Disney Vacations. None the less, you never pass up a Disney trip (especially one that's been paid for), and I'm sure glad I didn't!

I don't think I'll ever be able to thank our friends enough for that trip.  It was seriously the perfect trip.  I couldn't have asked for anything better.  It was so needed, and so appreciated.  I don't know if anyone knew how much we were struggling, but thanks to everyone's support I think we'll be ok. We were able to let lose, have fun, and actually talk about our adoption in a fun light again.  It made me hopeful of the day we can bring our kids to this place we love so much, and hopefully with the people that we love so much.



At one point we were walking around, and I don't even remember what we were doing or what we were talking about.  Without hesitating someone mentioned something about us coming back with our kids with their "Uncle Greg, Uncle Jason, and Uncle Ben."  I couldn't even tell you the context, and it's something no one else probably remembers, but it seriously meant so much to me. It made me hopeful and excited once again.  The fact that these people are excited right a long side with us, and are already accepting us as a family made my heart soar.  As it always is, it turned out to be the little moments that meant the most.  I didn't once look at another family and feel jealous or jaded (a common feeling for me lately).  I just felt happy for being in the place I love with people I love.

Days are still hard, but we've come home from our trip excited again.  We talk about the adoption and we daydream about what it will be like when we finally get to see the first pictures of our little one, something we haven't done in a while.  I'm back to excessively researching and constantly searching #internationaladoption on Instagram.  I'm once again excited for that day in mid march when we can close this portion of our adoption, and start the next. I'm dreaming of dropping our I-800A application in the mailbox, and dreaming even more of our final clearance and then the words "we have a match for you."